Afghan Wedding

We were the honored guests at an Afghan wedding this last week. We'd been notified that we were on the list but that the invitation would not come until two days before.  The groom is the business manager at Morning Star Guest House and became engaged this last summer.  At first they were not getting married for at least a year as the bride needs to finish high school and wants to go to university.  Somethingchanged!  Akram's mother 'found' this girl and the parents negotiated for her favors favorably.  Akram had not met her, but saw a picture, and liked
what he saw....a pretty girl.


Weddings are an outlandish event here.  The groom is obligated to spendthousands of dollars to prove how much he loves his betrothed.  It is a 'test of honour' for him and both families.  It has actually become a national issue, with an attempt by the government to create a law limiting expenditures and size  of parties(on the wedding halls), as well as many other restrictions that are more Taliban-friendly than the present laws  allow.  So far, it is not gaining popularity, but the

competition of showing off their wealth is impoverishing many for years to come.
The average annual income for an afghani is $540.  Even the poor are expected
to defend their honour by financing a wedding with hundreds of guests, even if it is in their home.  This prospect of debt is keeping young men from marrying until much later....waiting until their 30's to marry, after they've saved enough money
to even try.  A dowry also has to be paid to the bride's family, and that family is really the ones who dictate how elaborate things will be for the marriage to take place.  Wedding halls abound....... big glitzy, Las Vegas style palaces....at least 70 in Kabul alone.

    As our party of 3 caravans arrived, the men and women were escorted to their respective entrances.  Upon climbing at least three floors of stairs, we found ourselves in separate ballrooms, divided by a portable wall. One band played on the men's side for both to enjoy.....a flute-like instrument, drum, and others. The festivities had begun around 6 o'clock, but we arrived around 7:30, so the band and dancing were in full-swing.  We also timed it right as the groom was on the women's side, sitting in the 'thrones' befitting them, and then posing here with the mother's.  Traditionally, the bride wears a green gown to begin the evening, one of two gowns  the groom provides her with.   She appeared later in a dazzling pink gown, when they re-entered the ballroom of women to the slow dance that is customary.  It is an evening of freedom for Afghan-Muslim women as their burkhas are shed and their veils fall, revealing beautiful dresses on shapely bodies with make-up and bling to the max!
I think we witnessed an unusual occurance at this Pashtun-Tajik wedding, in that the brothers of the groom danced with the women, not touching of course, in this circle dance.  And the flutist and drummer came in to accompany.  This is not the usual.

      We American women were seated on an outside wall, so it was very hard to see any action other than the hoards of children in our area, who seemed to want their pictures taken constantly.  I made the mistake of taking one group of girls, then a very determined girl decided to find many unphotographed friends to bring to me for their photo!  She would poke me repeatedly on the shoulder until I responded.  I quickly gave up the practice of photographing them!  And, since it is not polite, or lawful, to photograph adult women 'unveiled,' I was stymied.  A pair of sisters, 14 and 17, befriended us....cousins of Akram....and practiced their english all evening.  The older one, Lizza, did not want her picture taken, but the younger, Safed, and another sister, Mirium, posed with Faith and I.

These young boys were allowed on the women's side and were most happy to be photographed.  We found ourselves beseiged by children all evening.
The women also stared at our every move, in between watching the big screen videoing the men's hall and activities going on there!  We were seated so that we could not view the screen, and did not want to get up to look for fear of attracting too much attention.  I thought it revealing of Afghan society that the women spent the evening watching the men's activities on screen!  Is there a message there about who is important?


Meanwhile, on the men's side of the hall, Jon and company of three expats and three staff from Morning Star, were seated near the loud music and dancing cadre of men.  The bride, nor any woman appeared on their side, so they had to be content with 'men's business.'  Below is the chair dance, which began with the groom's brother being hoisted up.   The Islamic religious ceremony, called the Nikah, must have taken place at sometime, sometimes on the men's side, or in private....where the contract between families is agreed upon and the Mullah declares them joined.

Sometime around 9:30, the food began arriving at the tables.  The men had been fed first (tradition), and the bride and groom had retired to a private room to eat.  Being behind the screen area with the videographers nearby, we could see the films they were reviewing....the bride and groom were feeding each other.  Each table had platters of traditional afghan dishes.....3 kinds of rice,  dishes of beef, lamb, chicken and a fresh vegetable plate as well as eggplant.  Nan, of course, fresh fruit to end with and a pudding-type dessert flavored with rosewater , cardamom and pistachios.  Lizza acted as a hostess and spooned food onto our plates, then kept spooning foods onto our plates as we ate!   The idea is to not leave any food!  But, we needed at least one more person at our table to help us out.  One little girl ,who would never talk to us, was our only other consumer.  Too much food for 3 adults and 3 girls.  Us women pocketed our Asian pears and bananas.  I tried tucking them into my chaudor (scarf) but gave up.
Once the food was eaten, people started leaving.  We wended our way out of the hall under keen observation by all women still there, but were stopped by the groom's mother who called a son to escort us further.  It is not proper to go unattended, as a woman.  Lots to learn about weddings, but I think one is enough for me!  I was over-stimulated and over-fed afterward.  Sleep eluded me for some time.  But, I wouldn't have missed it for anything!